Thursday, March 13, 2008

FWD This: You're Dumb!

Okay, I have to get something off of my chest.

I hate hate hate people who send chain-letter forwards.

Many years now have I been forced to wade through a veritable mountain of forwards in my email inbox. Each with its desperately clever sayings, "funny" poems, secret cash prizes, deep and profound meaningful messages, religious and/or patriotic propaganda, and inevitably, in the end, without exception, some vindictive, evil voodoo curse. Untold happiness awaits you if only you keep the chain alive. And for those of you who don't, well, forget about ever falling in love, having children, remaining disease free, or living past next Tuesday.

And silently, though, believe me, no less judgmentally, I have simply acquiesced to their presence in my life. But now a line has been crossed. People are now beginning to send them to me via text message. Read my lips : This is unacceptable. And I am here to say that I am drawing my line in the sand.

Whenever I open one such forwarded message (emailed, texted, or otherwise) my first thought is to question the intelligence of its sender. How is it that I am even friends with this person? Do they actually believe this? And, moreover, did they think for a second that I would appreciate it? Really? Have they met me? I mean, honestly. What the hell, yo?

If you are one such sender, and you know who you are, it isn't too late. Please. I beg you. Stop sending them. Period. Not just to me, to everyone.

I think I speak for the rest of humanity when I say that we can do without this bullshit in our lives. If, and when, you hit that send button to take up precious time from my life with someone else's message, you had better be damned sure that I am going to be riveted by it, that I will literally wet my pants from hysterical laughter, or that you genuinely believe that I will weep, openly. If not, do me a favor, go sell crazy somewhere else. We're all full here.


Pamela said...


I especially love the highly political ones, or the controversial ones. Please!

(at least it's a good way to determine who you like and who you don't!)

Cheyenne said...

well, my life has yet to reach this level of sophistication, so the basis on which i judge people is spelling and grammar.

and i think texting people their most recent faux pas is just the thing!

Hennifer said...

THANK YOU! Despite repeated comments to my family about how I don't do forwards they flood my inbox still and someone should suffer something horrible for starting this text chain letter crap.
I refuse to cower in fear. I am not your friend apparently, I don't want to win money, I don't need my soul saved! I'll show my true adoration and good wishes for people important to me in ways that makes sense to me and the individual.

B Kinch said...

Send this message to eight people and you will be blessed by eight hundred angels and Paul Mitchell will come back from the dead and create a hair product specifically for you.

adam said...


I'm a pacifist by nature, but these email chains are driving me toward violence!

I'm about ready to hunt down "jrichards32" and beat the crap out of him... Drop kick him while screaming:
"Where's your 50 fuckin' angels now?!?!"

Jacob Blankenship said...

God Adam, how offensive! I can't believe you'd write that!

lol. j/k.

Say the word and I'll grab my torch and pitchfork and join you.