Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Dear Little Bitch, You're fired!

In school, early on, they talk to you about peer pressure. That one day some hip young kat friend is going to approach you with some drug, or some behavior and say the ill fated words "but all the cool kids are doing it."

What they neglect to mention, as you are gathered there sitting "Indian style"on the carpet, is that this scenario never actually happens. That it is, in fact, entirely in your head. Your thoughts. Your feeling. Your own little voice, telling you that if you do not do whatever it is, then you simply will not be enough, to be accepted.

I often refer to this voice as 'the twelve year old little bitch who lives in my head.'

Too often lately I have heard myself, for no conscious reason, making apologies, or offering up completely unsolicited excuses for my own behavior/beliefs/opinions/personality/person-hood . As though I lived in some large fish bowl, watched by millions, and am constantly feeling the need to apologize for my roommate's horrible flatulence.

Only I don't. Live in a fish bowl that is.

There are no people lined up waiting for my explanation of why I think I am an acceptable, worthwhile, human being. There has been, to my knowledge, no committee formed to tabulate my tolerability quotient. Still I dare not cross that invisible line into becoming unacceptable, or indigestible to others.

Why is it that I feel the need to constantly offer up these apologies? It's that little bitch in my head always sounding the alarm. All of this deep, unconscious, hidden fear of not being good enough, so much hidden, self induced shame. It is so visceral. It goes completely against all logic and reason.

No more.

I am so over it.

From this day forth I am living my life completely.

Unrepentant.

Unapologetically, shamelessly me.

I mean, if that's okay?

4 comments:

Cheyenne said...

um, i never thought i'd say this, but can you expound upon the flatulence? is this a joke? (dear god, PLEASE say yes) and to whom are you apologizing for this misfortune?

you are sublime just the way you--don't you dare change a thing!

Jacob Blankenship said...

no. It is "as if" I had to do that... that same feeling.

And really, what I am talking about, too, is that I find myself apologizing to people for the weather outside, or for the traffic, or that the starbucks drive through people are taking too long. Stuff over which I have no control. Granted, like Augusten, I would like to believe that I am able to control the world and all of its population with my mind, but still, when did I become so whiny and pathetic?

gabrielle said...

the best gift you can give to the world is to be yourself. live with integrity in being you.

B Kinch said...

you are at least as cool as...well...you know who, JUST as you are, even if it's raining.